Former VP Cheney champions water boarding:

“Lynn and the girls never minded it”

            In a tense, candid interview that ranged from concealed Halliburton stock to weapons-grade plutonium, a defensive former-Vice President Dick Cheney praised the usage of water boarding during his tenure, calling it “a no-brainer communication technique” when dealing with aloof terrorist suspects and criminal masterminds.           

            “This is simply the most efficient means of extracting important information from unwilling enemy combatants not protected by the Geneva Convention,” he said. “Interrogating known terrorists, like child rearing, can be very demanding and stressful.” 

            Mr. Cheney admitted having firsthand knowledge on the effectiveness of this technique—which simulates drowning and produces a severe gag reflex, making the subject believe his or her death is imminent while ideally not causing permanent physical damage—because he employed it liberally in his own home while raising two daughters, Elizabeth and Mary.

            Referring to his family as a “close-knit cadre with no secrets,” he wondered aloud if we shouldn’t be encouraging more parents to experiment with alternative child-rearing strategies in response to the “deprave and morally corrupt dystopia of reality television and internet porn” ruining American values.

            “Should any self-respecting parent sit by idly watching their children walk down the wrong path? I guarantee this—Lizzie and Mar never cut class or skipped out on their homework.”