Choose Your Own Adventure: Cocktail Party Icebreakers

A partial list of recently overheard cocktail party icebreakers:

• I’m not your garden-variety misogynist who thinks all the world's problems could be solved if women would just regularly perform unsolicited fellacio on their partners instead of prattling on about Kegels and VBACs while holding space to process emotions and validating each other over wheels of brie and one-too-many glasses of Pinot.

• So I sprint across the train station to the kiosk and say, “Two tickets to Gouda, please.” The lady behind the counter looks up from her Us and sniffs, “It’s pronounced Howda.” (like the “H” is caught in the back of her throat). So I say, “Well, I don’t care Howda fuck you pronounce it. Give me two tickets."

• I prefer the neoclassical symmetry of midgets to the discordant, baroque aesthetic of dwarves. You?

• And I quote, "Number 47 said to Number 3: 'You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come and do the jailhouse rock with me.'"Funny, I don't recall jails being coed. No, no. In fact, they're quite segregated. Hmmmm. Dare I say it? Another clandestinely homoerotic Elvis lyric.

•  In retrospect, I should have seen it. We were growing apart, living separate lives. We hardly ever communicated. She kept asking to eat my pussy.

• I am far more taken with the violent, disgorging volatility of bulimia than the quaint, simmering deprivation of anorexia. You?

• I would argue the "player" and the "game" are worthy of equal scorn. Thoughts?

• Your stuff is mainly just shit you safeguard for fear you may need it tomorrow.

• Are you more of a raper or a pillager? When sacking a township, are you more likely to be found raping or pillaging?

• No regrets? Who would want to live a life of no regrets? To have no regrets, you've either not done anything or not thought about anything you've done.

• Suffering in NOT hierarchical.

• In which ways is the world flat for us? In 500 years which of our beliefs, ideas, versions of the world are they going to laugh at?

• Never believe people who say they don't give a shit. It defies logic and conditioning-the biological imperative around assimilating. Humans are social animals. Survival depends on being part of the herd. In other words: if you're not towing the tribal company line, you better be the fucking shaman. 

• Bonus icebreaker: Wanna fuck?